More religous hypocracy. I love it. I'm sure I probably spelled that wrong..but meh.

So we're watching the news, and they are talking about project overcoat. Basically all these people are going around and collecting coats for the homeless. With all the cold weather finally coming in, I think it's a good idea. So, the reporter is talking to a college student who is participating in it. And my Dad goes, "Well, the Christian thing to do would be for those volunteers to take a homeless person in their house for a few days."

Shit like that really annoys me. He said it again, and I said, "Well Dad, that kid's doing more for homeless people than you do..because you don't do shit." I stopped short of saying "The only thing you do is stroke a check to some random charity, and your primary motivation is the tax deduction." That may sound way too harsh, and probably is. But, I"m so sick of it. Why do my parents think that I'm so turned off by religion and church? It's because the most so called religous people in my life have been the biggest hypocrits. I started getting turned off by it in the 90's with Six Flags over Jesus's preacher Johnny Hunt. He preached about doing all this stuff for poor people, then lives in a million dollar mansion in Towne Lake and drives a Mercedes. They raise millions of dollars for some stupid amplitheatre thingie. Even my dead grandma, God rest her soul, was snooty and kind of a hypocrite. And my Dad would talk about all this Jesus stuff in church, then go and flip the same people a bird in the parking lot a half hour later. I just can't stand people who can't even take the basic 'tenants' of their religion and apply it to their own lives, because they are too busy going around telling other people how they should live theirs. I mean, I don't go to church, I say GD and f this, I talk bad about people, but I don't pretend I'm perfect. I don't get on some religious high horse on a daily basis and talk about all this stuff.

Last night, I was flipping channels. I should have been asleep...but meh. I flipped to some show I think it was on EE. Anyhow, it was about two lesbians getting married or having some kind of ceremony. Nothing else was on, so I watched it. I have to admit...it did look kind of wierd, and most of the time, I was going "Dear God, please don't show them kissing or anything like that." If I had watched this when I was in high school, I would have ranted on about how horrible it was, how against God it is, and how stuff like that is gonna bring on the end of the world or whatever. But you know what? By the end watching it, I actually felt good for them. I mean, they were so happy. And what does it do to me or my parents for them to be able to walk in a church and get married? Absolutely nothing. IMO, God can do what he wants. IMO, the meaning behind marriage comes from God anyhow. It may come with alot of benefits and stuff, but to me a marriage liscense is just a meaningless piece of paper. When it comes down to it, on a personal level, I think it's wrong. However, who am I to sit here and judge how two other consenting adults are supposed to live? It just doesn't make sense.

And on an unrelated note..if my Dad asks me any more stupid meaningless questions, I'm gonna scream. Hmm. Time for the Y. Yippee!

So this morning, I stumble into Dad's bathroom about 8am. Mom was up, so I didn't feel like using the one in the hallway. She understands, but when I still want to go back to bed, I can't talk to anyone when I get up, because it turns my brain 'on' and won't allow me to go back to sleep.

So I get out of Dad's bathroom, and see empty king size bed, and crawl into it. Ahh..that was some damn good sleep right there.

Got up at 1:30pm, which isn't great but better than 4. Still gives me enough time to wash clothes before Dad gets home and bitches about how much I've got in the washer. Mom did biatch at me for sitting down in the driveway after getting the mail. It was sunny and not too terribly cold, so I set out there and read the newspaper. Big f'in deal.

I also discovered in the buyer's edge that Macys has a savings pass for tomarrow. Which means I can use it and ask about getting extra knocked off for missing beads (which I can easily fix). Which probably means I can get the dress for around $50. Hooray!

I'm in a wierd mood right now. I think it's the music they are playing on the weather channel. But, by the time i get off my ass to find the remote, it will be over. So meh. Wierd ass weather music stays on. Mom and I actually went out today. Except for her endless bitching about not being able to find brown shoes that she likes, we actually had a good time. While she was looking at shoes at Macy's/Riches/Whatever the fuck that store is called now, I got bored and went and tried on some dresses. Now that I'm losing weight, I actually like trying on clothes now. I've still got alot of flab, but I'm liking what I see in the mirror. Anyhow, so I'm trying on dresses and I find this blue halter one that's made EXACTLY like the black one that I bought just a week ago for $7. Except, this one has a beaded band just under the chest. I knew it had potential. So I pick up a 12, 14, and 16 to take to the fitting room. The 16 falls off, the 14 still has alot of fabric left, and the 12 zipped up with no hesitation. I turned around and almost cried. I don't want to get compliments or whatever, but I seriously couldn't believe that was my body I was looking at in the mirror. It's a halter A/line that goes down to eh calves. I think it

I'm in a wierd mood right now. I think it's the music they are playing on the weather channel. But, by the time i get off my ass to find the remote, it will be over. So meh. Wierd ass weather music stays on. Mom and I actually went out today. Except for her endless bitching about not being able to find brown shoes that she likes, we actually had a good time. While she was looking at shoes at Macy's/Riches/Whatever the fuck that store is called now, I got bored and went and tried on some dresses. Now that I'm losing weight, I actually like trying on clothes now. I've still got alot of flab, but I'm liking what I see in the mirror. Anyhow, so I'm trying on dresses and I find this blue halter one that's made EXACTLY like the black one that I bought just a week ago for $7. Except, this one has a beaded band just under the chest. I knew it had potential. So I pick up a 12, 14, and 16 to take to the fitting room. The 16 falls off, the 14 still has alot of fabric left, and the 12 zipped up with no hesitation. I turned around and almost cried. I don't want to get compliments or whatever, but I seriously couldn't believe that was my body I was looking at in the mirror. It's a halter A/line that goes down to eh calves. I think it was the beads, but my waist looked small as hell. And heh..let's just say I had no problem filling out the top half of it. The problem is I don't need the dress..and I don't certainly need to be spending another $69 when I'm not working anymore. And, Mom wasn't helping by imploring me to buy it. But damnit..it looked SO good. Besides, I'll be in Vegas for 3 nights. I can wear the black dress one night and the blue dress the other...oh shut up brain! You're supposed to save me money!

That dress is just awesome. Too bad I only have Vegas right now as an opportunity to wear it. Too bad that would make an awesome date dress. Heh...I actually had a dream that I went to the Cheesecake Factory with HPCG wearing that. I bet if I did that in real life..that would be interesting.

Well..after the mall..we went to Sweet Tomatos, where I ate way too much. Let's see..I had a big salad with feta cheese, brocolli, egg, and fat free honey mustard dressing. Not bad. Then, I had two pieces of pizza bread, 4 slices of watermelon, about 1/2 c of italian sausage pasta, and two bowls of chocolate yogurt with cookie crumbles. But considering that I only had oatmeal this morning, and two containers of yogurt since that meal at 12pm, eh..not too bad.

I came home, took a 3 hr nap, then woke up in time to keep my Y streak alive! Hooray! I found two more songs on that Nickelback CD that I love so much that were tolerable, so I went for 1 hr and 10 minutes on the arc trainer. Say so long to 1100 cals. That's probably equal to what I had in that meal today, so yeah..not too shabby!

I'm tired. Maybe that means I'll be able to sleep at a decent hour. Doubt it. But, considering that I'll be doing inventory on Sunday, and it will be from 8am-Godknowswhen, I better get myself on a decent sleeping schedule pretty soon.

I'm sad though because my Y streak will end on Sunday. It's at 9 now. I'm damn proud of myself. Granted, I don't have a job or school to go to right now, so going to the Y is the only thing I'm doing. But, I've done 45mins-1hr on that machine every day, plus have thrown some swimming in there. I feel muscles in my back that I didn't know I had. Outside of those subway cookies, I haven't had any bad sweet stuff since then, and don't even miss it. I feel good. Although I need to start eating more carbs in the afternoon, because I think I'm going into ketosis or something up there. I mean, my sweat smells like vinegar and urine is tinted green, even though I drink a shit load of water. I usually just eat oatmeal and an apple before going up there, but I think I'll add a banana or a small bowl of cereal.

So, it's 2:30am and guess who's still up. Well...alot of other people. But, I guess I am too if I'm here writing. I could be lying on the time, but meh. No reason to do that. Right now, I'm watching Steven A Smith go wakka wakka wakka about the NBA. Which is totally irrevelant. I hate that sport. I used to watch the playoffs and finals, but I refuse to do that anymore. I hate that sport because it's meaningless, and because quite a few of society's problems along with alot of problems among black people would disappear if the NBA did. Long story that I don't feel like getting into at this hour, but they are a bunch of thugs. The people who follow them worship them like Gods. I can't tell you how many black boys who I thought could do so much better if they didn't have a constant fantasy of being an NBA player. I can't tell you how many times I've watched a great college player and have been kind of sad going, "Well, so long. Never gonna see you again. Hope you have fun playing in the thug league". I would change the channel, but nothing else is on. I've got access to probably 250+ channels, and there's not a damn thing that's on tv that I'm interested in watching. Sportcenter is just on for background noise. That's a crime. It's also a sign that I should go to bed.

I decided to watch Titanic a while ago. It's a 3 1/2 hr movie that I got done in 2hrs, thanks to the fast forward button. I also had a Gonzaga game that I could watch while fastforwarding long segments. I don't remember who Gonzaga played...some meaningless WCC opponent that they blew out. They are 13-7, and as long as they don't lose more than 2 more times, they should make the tourney. Even if they do, they'll still make it as long as they win the WCC tourney, which they should cuz the WCC sucks ass. It's a rebuilding year for them, so eh if they make the Sweet 16, I'll be shocked.

Why do I go off on these tangents? Heh. Oh well. So back to Titanic. I love that movie. I (well Mom) paid for us to see that movie 21 times in the theater when it came out. I've probably seen it another 20-30 times since. Even though we've got the movie on both VHS and DVD, everytime it comes on cable, both me and Mom are like "AHHHH! The movie's on!" It's coming on TNT on Saturday at 7pm, which means whatever I'm doing Saturday will be done by 7pm. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how many times I've seen that damn movie, I pick up some minute detail or nuance that I've never realized before. I knew that would happen alot between the time that I saw it in the theater, and seeing it now. I mean, in Dec '97, I was what, 13 years old? God...that means..that movie came out 10 yrs ago. Damn, I'm getting old.

Anyhow, I figured that between then and now I'd pick up on more stuff just from being older and watching more movies. But even now, I can watch it now and Saturday. And I'm sure there's something on Saturday that I'll pick up on that I didn't realize before.

I just love that movie because it's so simple, yet so complex. No special tech effects. The love story in it is just touching enough without being cheesy. And, it's blended so well into the non-fictional characters that it looks like it belongs there. I mean, sure, the two main characters in the movie didn't exist. But, 1500 people died on that ship. I'm sure there were plenty of wives that lost husbands, girlfriends that lost boyfriends, and some people that lost people that they loved that they just met on the ship.

All the while, I keep thinking that all of that tragedy didn't have to happen if the builders weren't so g*ddamn arrogant and left out extra lifeboats. I mean sure...the boat still would have sunk. But, everyone would have had a seat in a lifeboat. But then again, it wouldn't be such a lasting story if that tragedy wasn't there. Besides, this sounds cold, but half of them probably would have died in the flu epidemic. And, almost all of the men would have died in either WWI or WWII, especially if they made it back to Europe.

Here I go sounding like a sarcastic bitch. I swear, that gets worse as I get older. I think the number 1 reason why I love that movie is because under neath all of that sarcasm and well as machoness without wanting to be male machoness, and well just wierd stuff about me...I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I think that's one of the reasons why I miss HPCG so much is because part of me thinks that "Oh God, if I wait longer, I may not meet anyone else". Which for someone of my age, not even 24, that's just...stupid. My brain knows that, but my heart doesn't.

But yeah, I remember all the guys I used to work with at work used to make cracks like "Well, you're not exactly the most feminine girl we've had here or that I know", or when I beat a sales guy (a wimp) in arm wrestling, or took another guy's money for losing a football bet with me, "Well, you're not an average girl, so I feel alright". I even think the guy that I worked with in the office initially thought I was...well played for the other team, until he got to know me better. And yeah, outwardly, I'm not very feminine sometimes. I used to throw build packs at the sales guys across the room like they were footballs. I used to be able to snake a highlighter or trashketball around a pole in our office and hit the Parts Manager in the head. I talk football with anyone who's interested, even if they aren't. I go outside in the rain. I don't wear makeup half the time. I don't spend tons of money on my hair or nails. I don't read girly magazines, rant on and on about guys, or daydream about my big fancy ass wedding. So yeah, I'm not your typical girl. I bet those people I used to work with think that I don't even own a skirt or dress, or worn one. A couple of them even said so. That's one reason why I initailly hated that place- because I couldn't dress up. Yeah, I liked and still do wearing jeans and stuff. But damnit, I haven't had the chance to really dress up in a while. A long time.

But, if I do get another chance to go out with HPCG, and it's at a nice restaurant or somewhere else that's appropriate, I'm gonna make his fricken jaw drop. And no, I'm not going to dress like a slut or anything- that sends mixed signals, which I've already done enough of already. But, I'm showing a side that he or no one else at that place saw of me. I mean, I like dressing up at home- just trying stuff on. I like putting on my new jeans with a tighter fitting shirt, and looking at the mirror, and saying, "Dayum.." And no, I don't think I'm 'hot' looking or whatever. But as much as I bash my body, I'm proud that I have curves and that my 36 D's are all natural. So I don't know where I was going with this. But meh...I need to stop typing soon anyhow.

Oh yeah. I knew something else I was going to write about. I keep waiting for a certain question from my parents. "Jennifer, why aren't there hardly any pajamas in your dirty clothes?" or "Jennifer, why don't you have some pajamas with your robe in the bathroom?" Eh, they probably figured it out by now and don't want to ask. I'm not a perv or slut, but lately, I've liked either just sleeping in my robe, or sleeping naked. I used to do it in the summer when theh ouse would be so hot, it'd be out of desperation. But now, the heat works better, and I usually have 3 blankets on my bed. Not to mention that both the teal robe I bought for myself and the robe that Bonnie got me for Christmas is just so damn soft. But also too..I keep thinking that if I get used to doing that, that maybe I'll get to the point where I"m not so bashing over how I look anymore. I do have to be careful- my nightmare is running out of my room to the bathroom after just waking up naked, or one of my parents coming in on me or whatever. But it's comfortable. I know one thing...when appropriate and not near windows..especially when I get a house...I'm gonna be one of these people that walks around their house naked half the time. I envy people that have enough "eh who cares' and I guess confidence and freedom to do that. Heh..what a new years resolution that would be.

Well, the streak is 8. Heh. I'm keeping track of this like sports records or something. Joe D got a hit in 56 straight games, and there's a whole bunch of other consecutive streaks that I can't think of right now. But my streak is days in going to the Y to work out. I got in 50 minutes on the arc bike trainer thingie, then got in another 25 laps in the pool. I now feel muscles in my back and shoulders that I didn't know existed. I did about half my laps just with my arms, on my back. I guess you could call it a butterfly, but I'm sure it didn't look anywhere close. Heh. The lifeguard that almost kicked me out of the pool for not being 18 was there again tonight. He said hello, and I said "If you're here to kick me out again, you're fired!" He laughed, then we talked for about ten minutes. It was wierd because I was the only one in the pool the whole time, and it wasn't even close to closing time yet. Not gonna complain- at least there weren't a bunch of kids running (well splashing) all over the place.

The scale is quickly becoming my friend. It's nice getting on it every other day and weighing one lb less than the last time I hopped on it. Now..I'm sure some of it's water weight or whatever. I'm not obsessed either, it just feels like a big science experiment. I also know that I'm not working or going to school at the moment, and if I was, there's no way in hell I'd be able to keep this up. On the flip side, I wouldn't really have to because I'd be burning more cals walking and stuff. Also, I wouldn't be sleeping until 3pm anymore either.

I certainly hope that none of it is muscle, because I don't wanna lose any of that. But, it's got to still be good. I mean, I'm burning about 750-1,000 cals in working out, and I've cut about 750-1,000 cals off my eating. I'm not starving myself..it's just all the junk is gone, so everything that I'm eating is good stuff. Also, you don't need that much food when you get up at 2pm. Lately, I've been eating an oatmeal pk with some apples for 'breakfast', then two containers of light yogurt during the day, then chicken (roasted) with a couple cups of veggies or a big salad. Then, I usually have some kind of snack (fruit with cool whip or something like that). Even when I stay up until 4am, it's in the house.

I also hit two milestones today that I'm pretty proud of. It's nothing to brag about or nothing to write in my other journal about, but it's important to me. Well anyhow, milestone #1 occured before I went to sleep earlier today. (I stayed up until 4am). Dad brought home oatmeal cookies from Subway. Bastard. I had one after dinner. Well..there were 1 1/2 left over. I had a huge glass of milk at 3am, and the rest of the cookies. Probably 500 extra calories or so that I didn't need. But, you know what? For the first time, I didn't fret about it. I enjoyed every damn bite. In the past, when I start eating well and slip up like that, I go crazy the rest of the day, then start eating horrible again because "well, it doesn't matter- i blew it already". Now, my brain just said "Eh. Oh well. Just do another 30-45 minutes at the Y tomarrow". Heh..I am counting it in my calorie total for today though.

Milestone #2 occured when I went to Kohls before the Y. There's a cami that I wanted to get to go with my black dress. I need it because the back of my bra shows. Kohls put them on sale, and I have a store credit to use. So, I'm trying them on. They are just basic black stretchy tank tops with a 'shelf bra' that my boobs just said "Hah! You can't contain me!" but that's beside the point. The dress covers up every part of the bra except the back, so I can still wear my bra (and will) with the cami. So anyhow, I'm in the fitting room and I can't decide if I should get the L or XL. They are pretty fitted, and I didn't want a bunch of loose fabric under my dress. And for the first time in forever, my brain goes "You better get the L, because when you lose more weight, that XL is going to get big".

That's NEVER happened to me. For a long time, my head has done the opposite "Oh. You better get one with some room in it so when you get fatter it'll still fit". I think that's when it finally hit me- I may not have the confidence or faith in myself when it comes to looking for a job, or whatever, but damnit, I'm not going to be the fat girl anymore. I know eventually, I'm not going to be able to lose a lb every other day. One of these days, I'll get to the point where I won't be able to lose any more at all. And whether that comes a wk from now when I'm still a 12, or when I"m a 10 or whatever, that's ok. But, I'm not going to be the young person who has to spend 10 minutes in the bathroom recovering from walking up two flights of stairs. And I'm not doing this for my family, friends, or so some guy will like me more. I'm doing it for me. And when I lose 10 more lbs or 20 or whatever, no one will be able to take that away from me.

I do know one thing though, I'm getting my hair cut before I go to work for inventory. It's not that I'm doing this for anyone there either. It's not going to bother me if no one even notices. But at this rate, I'm gonna have about 10 lbs gone this month, and would like to go in there looking a little bit different.

I have the life of a 40 yr old. Heh. So, I'm sitting here on a Saturday night watching Deep Impact. No..it's not a porn movie...it's an asteroid movie that came out about 10 yrs ago. Of course Mom likes it because it's a disaster movie. Work actually pissed me off today. I was going to go down there to pick up my last check and say hello. Well..Dad checks the mail, and lo and behold..there's my check. Why do they have to be efficient at the one time I don't want them to be? Gahh... Despite the fact that I got up at 2:30 again...I still got over to the Y for 40 minutes. That's 6 days in a row. And unless there's plans tomarrow with anybody, which doesn't look like a possibility at the moment, I'm not breaking that streak. I'm gonna do my damnest to get up at a decent time tomarrow. Especially because Dad's going to be at work. That sounds so harsh..but God he's so damn annoying. Hmm....maybe I'll be left alone long enough to make a couple of phone calls. Dad wants me really bad to stay home and watch the Colts/Patriots game with him at 4:30pm or whenever it comes on. Meh. That won't be bad, but I'm not going to put that at a priority of something comes up. I would so love to go to a wild sports bar and watch football tomarrow. That would be awesome. I would also so love to call HPCG tomarrow..just to talk for a couple of hours. Hmm...oh well. Blogger, why do you have to be annoying and not let me hit enter to seperate paragraphs? Gahh... Anywho..I also got my two piece bathing suit in the mail. And...it actually looks halfway decent. It's a 14, and it's got room to spare in it. I am glad that mom threw my other swimsuit in the dryer though, because it caused it to shrink. Which, is what it needed. I can at least get some more milage out of it until I leave on my trip.

So today was a little bit productive. I got to go to an auditing convention and career fair at KSU. Hooray for my student ID. Anywho, it was nice to spend some time with my former classmates. I've figured out over these past couple of weeks that becoming anti social and distant is a choice. It's not me. I just really enjoyed the interaction with them again. And, the speakers at the convention weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. It's nice to see people in accounting who have a personality and can laugh. Of course, some of the career fair people blew me off, but that happens to everyone. I still get mad about how everyone gets pushed into Big 4. It's appealing, but not what i want to do at all. At least I wasn't nervous today like I usually am when talking to those people. Although I do see the one downside of losing weight- I need a new black suit. I don't know what they are doing with women's clothes nowadays, but they are cutting them big or something. I bought a 3 piece suit back in September for the Career Fair. The jacket is a 12, and the skirt is a 12, and the pants are a 14. I've got at least 3 inches in the waist. The pants are unwearable. The jacket has at least 3 inches that I could cinch it in the waist. So mom and dad want to know what to get me for my birthday? How about a nice black suit and some nice dress shoes that don't hurt like ass.

I think I'm going to Motions tomarrow to pick up my check. Really no reason to, because more than likely I will get there after the banks have already closed. So, it'll essentially be the same as going Monday. And, it's not like I need need the money in there right now anyhow. But, it'll give me another reason to get me out of the house. And..hopefully, I'll get to talk to HPCG. This is silly. I've never been out on a date with this guy, but I've never missed someone as much as him in my entire life. Almost everyday at 7pm, unless I'm doing something, I tinker with my phone wondering if I should call him or not. I've already ranted about this, but that's why I've got to decide about where I'm living at. Because this calling and talking thing is not going to be pretty if I decide to pack up and leave. Yeah, I could just call as friends, but it's not like that. I feel so bad about the way I treated him (backing out of dates at the last minute....even though I eventually told him that I'm moving) and all of that. I think it's one of those things that if I picked up the phone and called him, I wouldn't stop talking for 4 hours. I've run out of small talk crap to blabber about. I've never told him how I feel about him, and don't want to until this job thing gets straightened out. Bleh...so yeah. Hopefully he'll be there tomarrow. I think I'll show up around 5:30.

Meh. So I just went through Fitday.com and tabulated everything I ate today. 1364 cals, 30% fat. Not too shabby. Except..I got up at 3:30pm, and have had next to no exercise today. Not to mention the fact that I did REALLY bad yesterday. Can't do anything about it now, but I'm lucky if I just broke even for today.

Right now, I'm going through old clothes again, and starting to decide what I'm taking on my trip. Even though I'll have access to laundry facilities sporadically, I'm still going to have to take alot of stuff, which is something that I'm not used to doing. I also need to make sure that in order to minimize my packing, that the stuff I pick goes with other things that I'm taking. I'm still going to have to go and buy some new tshirts because I don't have enough of them.

And whenever I do get a good job that has good benefits, I'm getting something done about these nasty ass veins on my legs. Varicose veins run in my family. Years of being overweight and having jobs that require standing haven't helped matters. I'm sure that when my pale ass legs get tanned this summer, they will look much better. However, I'm still 23 damnit, which is WAY too young to have bulging veins anywhere. I'm starting to get impatient with this losing weight thing. It needs to happen faster.

I did order a bathing suit today though. It's made just like a one piece that I use to have, except it's one those two piece tankini things. Doesn't show anything, but still...it'll be the first time since...prolly I was ten that I'm gonna wear anything besides a one piece bathing suit.

I'm tired as hell and should be in bed, but hey..you can sleep when you're dead, right?

Today was interesting. I got up at 1pm, and went to JcPenney's to buy another pair of those jeans that I bought yesterday. I really do need to stop it with the clothes shopping, but damnit. It's not often that you can find $8 jeans that fit well and look good. And they are in a 12. Granted..they are probably oversized, but still. Zipping up a 12 and actually being able to wear it is definetly a psychological boost. Also, it feels good. This time last year, I could barely zip my 16's. That was not so good.

After that, I went back to Motions to collect my $30 from Chris, one of the sales weasels. It was to collect on a bet that I made with him from the National Title game on Monday. Haha. I hung around for an hr talking to people. Mostly, it was to sales weasels watching football. I also went there to talk to HPCG, but he was busy, which made me sad. The few seconds I did get to speak to him, I was tounge tied. I didn't even get to ask how he was doing..just made some stupid comment about me being there to collect on a bet. It's one of those things that I have so much to say, so I don't know where to start. But. that was covered last night. I'm not going into all of that again.

After Motions, I went home to grab some pizza and watch some football with Dad. Even though I grew up a Tennessee fan, I'm becoming an anti-Peyton fan. He's a whiny little douche who is a perfectionist and can't take responsibility for his own mistakes. The Colts beat the Ravens, but I didn't find out about it until later.

And oh yeah. I went with Bonnie and her bf Dave to Monster Jam. It was great. The daquiris at the Dome are surprisingly stronger than I thought they'd be. Good thing too- for 6 bucks a pop. I did good and only had one though. There were funny people there, but not as many as we had hoped for. Dave brought a mullet wig, which we kind of took turns putting on. Speaking of Dave, I'm going to kick Bonnie's ass if she ever dumps him without a good reason. He's hot, smart, nice, sarcastic, and has an interesting sense of humor. I still don't like being the third wheel all the time, but I had a great time with the both of them. I still hope that I didn't scare either of them too much with my driving. Oh well. Driving down there and back was worth it- got a free dinner/early breakfast out of it. We went to Marietta Diner afterwards, and it was great.


I need sleep now. Later.

I wonder if any of my friends…or anyone that knows me knows I have a blog on here. Well…I do now. Actually, I have for a while. There’s a blog on here called danshanoff.blogspot.com that only lets registered people make comments. Dan Shanoff used to write the Daily Quickie on ESPN.com’s Page 2, until ESPN decided to fire his ass for some reason. Reason #193289320 why ESPN annoys me now.

But he’s got a blog, so in order to comment, I had to get an account, and the account comes with the blog, so I figured I should start using it, so there. Whew.

I’ve used Livejournal since what, freshman year of high school? Even though I’m only 23, I feel old fashioned. I’ve always never (double negative) really felt comfortable writing my thoughts and some of the crap that goes on in my life, because there was always this birdie in my head going “Now remember- people are reading this. People who know you are reading this.” Not that I’d bad-mouth people or whatever, it’s just you know…it’s like trying to have a diary knowing that your parents are reading it every night. You never know what people are going to read into totally innocent stuff, or even what their tolerance is to something that mentions their name. Of course, it should be their problem since it’s your journal, but meh.

So, I’m going to make this journal or whatever a stream of conciousness type thing. This is for me. If anyone who happens to know me finds it, fine. They’ll probably get to know a few things about me or what I think that they would have never thought. But, I’m going to keep this for me.

I don’t like not being able to make decisions at the moment. The older I get, the harder it gets. Being analytical used to be a strong point of mine. I’ve always prided myself on being able to make decisions without even considering the emotional aspect of it. I’ve always considered myself different from 99% of other women because I used to make decisions like a robot. But, it’s not coming so easy anymore.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, and the path I take is going to determine everything else that happens in my life. I’ve got one path that involves me getting my ass back to school, getting my masters, and devoting my being to my education and career. I know that if I could get myself motivated to do that, I could go down that road and be very successful. I may not have the time to enjoy it, but I would be very successful. All I have to do is want it bad enough. I could afford the fancy house and all the other crap that goes along with it. I’ve got another path where I tell everyone else around me to f*ck it, and I live my life how I want to. I get a nice, cushy 40hr/wk job making 40/50k a year. I use my time do things I love, like making jewelry, watching sports, and teaching financial education stuff to people. Stuff like that is me. I don’t have all the fancy crap or know a lot of important people, but they’d always be important to me. I’d have my small circle of friends, my family, and hopefully a family of my own.

Intertwined in all that crap, I’ve got another big decision- move to Florida or stay here. I think a trip later this month is in order. Maybe next week. I know no one down there, except for some party animals that I met in Atlanta back last May, and some family that my Dad last talked to about 25 yrs ago. That’s scary as hell. I’m more outgoing than I used to be, but even with the internet and my vacation time, I’d have to find a whole new group of friends, and that’s very uncomfortable. On the other hand, I’d be on the beach and I wouldn’t have to drive 2 hrs a day each way to work.

And I could stay in Atlanta. I know this place. It may be boring and I may be sick of it, but I know it. If something happened with my parents, I’d be close by to help out. I’d also be close by for my parents to keep being annoying and nosing into every aspect of my life. I’d also have them close by to help me out. It’s a double edged sword with them. Even though I’ve burned some bridges by freaking out and not showing up to interviews, I think I have more job options here.

And of course, there’s the part that makes the emotions come in. I always feared letting a guy get in the way of making an important decision. I got that job at the bike shop because I didn’t think I’d meet anyone. I thought I”d go in, work my year, and leave without anyone knowing me. I wasn’t going to be a snob, but I wouldn’t have an emotional attachment to anyone. Well….boy did that not work out the way I wanted it to.

I’ll still keep the nick-name for him, so he’ll be known on here as HPCG, otherwise known as Hot Parts Counter Guy. He asked me out in July, and I said yes. Then, I wasted 5 months, while using school as an excuse, saying that I was too busy to go out with him. Yeah, from about November on, we’d talk on the phone a couple hours a week. I went through some weeks where that’s all I came to work for was to see and talk to him. I went through other weeks where I did everything I could to avoid him. If I could see how I acted on the outside, it probably was very weird. I suck at communicating to people, and I’m sure that communicated a very mixed message.

The truth is that I was scared and confused. First of all, he’s 32. He’s almost 9 yrs older than me. He’s been here for 15 yrs, but is originally from Brazil. So no, he’s not the ‘good ol’ boy’ (synonym for Southern Baptist White Conservative) that my parents probably envisioned me hooking up with. I think he’s a pretty quiet person, but he acts a bit different around his coworkers than he does with me on the phone, or the few times we’ve had to talk at work.

And after he first asked me out, he would get frustrated at me at work when I’d stammer about not being able to go out with him. He made comments such as “I’m looking for a wild partner” and other stuff to start out with. I didn’t want that. Yeah, I’ve told him that I’ve been out on dates before, but I did say “Yeah, you can laugh, but I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before”. In reality, not only am I a 23 yr old virgin whose never been in a serious relationship, but I”ve never even been on a date. That’s not something I’m proud of or want people to know about me. And it’s not that I bat for the other team- anytime I’ve ever had dreams/fantasies/whatever, they’ve always been with guys. Just about all of my good friends are female, but I”ve never wanted, been tempted, or whatever to take anything beyond normal friendship with any of them. I do want to get married and I do want to have kids someday. I keep saying someday, like it’s off in some distant future. But right now, I’m very scared. I don’t trust my instincts because I don’t have the experience. I don’t want to become a very strong person and then get married and let my spouse take control, and make all of the important decisions- like my mom. I don’t trust other people generally to begin with. But all of this crap- you don’t tell to people, particularly those who don’t know you well.

Part of me is kicking myself in the head right now for wasting these last 5 months. I did tell him that I was moving away back in November, but as time went along, I don’t know. I just have a very tough decision to make. My parents don’t understand- they think I’m going back and forth on moving because I’m afraid to be away from them. In reality, I don’t want to be away from him. And with our handful of conversations at work and on the phone aside, how can I feel the way I do without ever going out on a date? We both played pool for 2 hrs at that work party, but that doesn’t count because everyone else was there. I was very turned off and scared a while back because I didn’t want to be with someone who was going to be very ‘assertive’, and well….want to sleep with me right off the bat. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a slut and I still want to get to know people really well. But, part of me wants that. I’m so sick and tired of being the third wheel. I’ve gone with friends and their boyfriends/husband to dinner, to the movie, and other places. I’ve had a lot of fun, and was never left out or put down because it was just me. But damnit, I want to have someone next to me that I can hug on/kiss on, etc. I’m just sick of being the third wheel. I want to be able to join in with my friends on conversations about relationships without spouting crap I’ve learned from my Mom, or watching some tv show. I know my friends must think in the back of their mind “Heh. You don’t know s*it when it comes to that stuff”.

My mom has always told me to trust my gut. When my head tells me NO or STOP or whatever- to listen to it. But, I’ve done that SO many times in my life that I’m not sure if it’s my instincts talking, or if its my fear talking. If it’s the “Well…something COULD happen here that’d be bad, so just in case, you better not do it.” Sometimes, I want to shove a Qtip in my brain just to tell it to shut the hell up. I don’t want to get to the point to where I am wreckless, but I want to sometimes not think and just do.
God, where am I going with this. I know. Maybe since he left in November for 2 wks, and then left for 2 wks in December to go with a crap load of family back to Brazil, and since I left work, I can’t go a day without thinking about him. And I feel so stupid. I want to say I’m sorry and that I was dumb and that I do want to go out, but why should he want to with me anymore because of all the times I turned him down? I’m going to work tomarrow to pick up my $30 from a sales weasel that I bet on for the National Title football game. And, I’m planning ok when should I go that’d give me the best opportunity to talk to him? Could I possibly ask him to do something on Sunday? Sorry Dad, but I’m taking a date..basically anything where I can spend time with him over watching football with you at the moment.

I just want to spend time with him. The problem is that I still want to move. But, I want to go already knowing that it would have never worked out between the both of us because it didn’t work out between the both of us. I want to do both. My dream is for me to move to Florida and to meet him on the beach some day. Hmm…my parents would probably ask..my friends would probably ask, why are you attracted to someone who is SO different from you? Let me count the ways- First, I think our personalities are similar. We can party, but we’re quiet and spending time alone isn’t a problem. Second, he’s hot as hell, especially at our work party or when he rides his bike to work. Yeah, my ‘type’ is prolly 6’0-6’4ish 200-240ish (not what I call ‘fatass’ but meat on bones- also- I wouldn’t have to worry about outweighing him, even if I got knocked up). He doesn’t fit that ‘type’- he’s maybe 5’8”, 160-70ish. But dayum…yeah he’s hot. And that’s part of the problem- why would someone like that even like me to begin with, but that’s beside the point. Thirdly, he’s not an immature college frat boy. He doesn’t have a college degree, but is working on a program at a tech school to become a licensed motorcycle mechanic. That may not be high profile job or whatever, but that’s what he likes. And, I think being skilled with your hands and doing stuff like that is very unique and dare I say sexy. And lastly, he’s got a very large extended family, which is something that I crave to be apart of. I’m sure there’s other stuff, but I’m just not recalling at the moment. But, there’s yellow flags, too. He’s 32 and acts at least 10 yrs younger in some ways. Despite our conversations, there’s still a lot of stuff I don’t know about him. What if those stupid comments that he made at work to me, in front of other coworkers, is who he really is, and he’s just blowing smoke with me on the phone? What if I do start a relationship with him, and everything’s going fine, but yet he wants to get married and have kids or whatever right off the bat, which is something that I DO NOT want right now. I’m being paranoid because this is someone I’ve never been out with, but it’s still something that I have to think about. And the whole overlying thing is that my parents, especially my dad, is borderline racist. Hell, when I told my Mom that he’d asked me out, and told them where he was from, the first question she asked was “Well, he’s not black is he?” God, I would totally shudder at the thought of them meeting him. Look Mom, I’m hooked up with a biker who’s got two more piercings than I do (pierced ears), and is almost a decade older than me”.
Meh. That’s something about me that I wish I could change sometime- I think too much. My brain goes on overdrive. I constantly jump to the future and start going through everything that could happen.
But yeah, that’s my complicated ass decision. It’s two layer- do I want to stay here or move away. If I stay here, do I want to date him to find that out? Do I want to get to the point where I invest time into him and find out that it’d never work out and have to get up the courage to end it? And like everything else in my life, I want to keep putting it off. The moving thing- I can put that off a bit. But the relationship thing- I can’t. If I decide that I’m not having anything to do with him, then I can’t call him anymore, or plan my returns to work to get checks or whatever around talking to him, or flirt with him when I go back for inventory. That’s sending mixed messages, and I’ve already done enough of that. It’s not fair to him, or to me. So yeah, this is going to be interesting. I’m so tired right now that this will be continued later.