I wonder if any of my friends…or anyone that knows me knows I have a blog on here. Well…I do now. Actually, I have for a while. There’s a blog on here called danshanoff.blogspot.com that only lets registered people make comments. Dan Shanoff used to write the Daily Quickie on ESPN.com’s Page 2, until ESPN decided to fire his ass for some reason. Reason #193289320 why ESPN annoys me now.

But he’s got a blog, so in order to comment, I had to get an account, and the account comes with the blog, so I figured I should start using it, so there. Whew.

I’ve used Livejournal since what, freshman year of high school? Even though I’m only 23, I feel old fashioned. I’ve always never (double negative) really felt comfortable writing my thoughts and some of the crap that goes on in my life, because there was always this birdie in my head going “Now remember- people are reading this. People who know you are reading this.” Not that I’d bad-mouth people or whatever, it’s just you know…it’s like trying to have a diary knowing that your parents are reading it every night. You never know what people are going to read into totally innocent stuff, or even what their tolerance is to something that mentions their name. Of course, it should be their problem since it’s your journal, but meh.

So, I’m going to make this journal or whatever a stream of conciousness type thing. This is for me. If anyone who happens to know me finds it, fine. They’ll probably get to know a few things about me or what I think that they would have never thought. But, I’m going to keep this for me.

I don’t like not being able to make decisions at the moment. The older I get, the harder it gets. Being analytical used to be a strong point of mine. I’ve always prided myself on being able to make decisions without even considering the emotional aspect of it. I’ve always considered myself different from 99% of other women because I used to make decisions like a robot. But, it’s not coming so easy anymore.

I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, and the path I take is going to determine everything else that happens in my life. I’ve got one path that involves me getting my ass back to school, getting my masters, and devoting my being to my education and career. I know that if I could get myself motivated to do that, I could go down that road and be very successful. I may not have the time to enjoy it, but I would be very successful. All I have to do is want it bad enough. I could afford the fancy house and all the other crap that goes along with it. I’ve got another path where I tell everyone else around me to f*ck it, and I live my life how I want to. I get a nice, cushy 40hr/wk job making 40/50k a year. I use my time do things I love, like making jewelry, watching sports, and teaching financial education stuff to people. Stuff like that is me. I don’t have all the fancy crap or know a lot of important people, but they’d always be important to me. I’d have my small circle of friends, my family, and hopefully a family of my own.

Intertwined in all that crap, I’ve got another big decision- move to Florida or stay here. I think a trip later this month is in order. Maybe next week. I know no one down there, except for some party animals that I met in Atlanta back last May, and some family that my Dad last talked to about 25 yrs ago. That’s scary as hell. I’m more outgoing than I used to be, but even with the internet and my vacation time, I’d have to find a whole new group of friends, and that’s very uncomfortable. On the other hand, I’d be on the beach and I wouldn’t have to drive 2 hrs a day each way to work.

And I could stay in Atlanta. I know this place. It may be boring and I may be sick of it, but I know it. If something happened with my parents, I’d be close by to help out. I’d also be close by for my parents to keep being annoying and nosing into every aspect of my life. I’d also have them close by to help me out. It’s a double edged sword with them. Even though I’ve burned some bridges by freaking out and not showing up to interviews, I think I have more job options here.

And of course, there’s the part that makes the emotions come in. I always feared letting a guy get in the way of making an important decision. I got that job at the bike shop because I didn’t think I’d meet anyone. I thought I”d go in, work my year, and leave without anyone knowing me. I wasn’t going to be a snob, but I wouldn’t have an emotional attachment to anyone. Well….boy did that not work out the way I wanted it to.

I’ll still keep the nick-name for him, so he’ll be known on here as HPCG, otherwise known as Hot Parts Counter Guy. He asked me out in July, and I said yes. Then, I wasted 5 months, while using school as an excuse, saying that I was too busy to go out with him. Yeah, from about November on, we’d talk on the phone a couple hours a week. I went through some weeks where that’s all I came to work for was to see and talk to him. I went through other weeks where I did everything I could to avoid him. If I could see how I acted on the outside, it probably was very weird. I suck at communicating to people, and I’m sure that communicated a very mixed message.

The truth is that I was scared and confused. First of all, he’s 32. He’s almost 9 yrs older than me. He’s been here for 15 yrs, but is originally from Brazil. So no, he’s not the ‘good ol’ boy’ (synonym for Southern Baptist White Conservative) that my parents probably envisioned me hooking up with. I think he’s a pretty quiet person, but he acts a bit different around his coworkers than he does with me on the phone, or the few times we’ve had to talk at work.

And after he first asked me out, he would get frustrated at me at work when I’d stammer about not being able to go out with him. He made comments such as “I’m looking for a wild partner” and other stuff to start out with. I didn’t want that. Yeah, I’ve told him that I’ve been out on dates before, but I did say “Yeah, you can laugh, but I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before”. In reality, not only am I a 23 yr old virgin whose never been in a serious relationship, but I”ve never even been on a date. That’s not something I’m proud of or want people to know about me. And it’s not that I bat for the other team- anytime I’ve ever had dreams/fantasies/whatever, they’ve always been with guys. Just about all of my good friends are female, but I”ve never wanted, been tempted, or whatever to take anything beyond normal friendship with any of them. I do want to get married and I do want to have kids someday. I keep saying someday, like it’s off in some distant future. But right now, I’m very scared. I don’t trust my instincts because I don’t have the experience. I don’t want to become a very strong person and then get married and let my spouse take control, and make all of the important decisions- like my mom. I don’t trust other people generally to begin with. But all of this crap- you don’t tell to people, particularly those who don’t know you well.

Part of me is kicking myself in the head right now for wasting these last 5 months. I did tell him that I was moving away back in November, but as time went along, I don’t know. I just have a very tough decision to make. My parents don’t understand- they think I’m going back and forth on moving because I’m afraid to be away from them. In reality, I don’t want to be away from him. And with our handful of conversations at work and on the phone aside, how can I feel the way I do without ever going out on a date? We both played pool for 2 hrs at that work party, but that doesn’t count because everyone else was there. I was very turned off and scared a while back because I didn’t want to be with someone who was going to be very ‘assertive’, and well….want to sleep with me right off the bat. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a slut and I still want to get to know people really well. But, part of me wants that. I’m so sick and tired of being the third wheel. I’ve gone with friends and their boyfriends/husband to dinner, to the movie, and other places. I’ve had a lot of fun, and was never left out or put down because it was just me. But damnit, I want to have someone next to me that I can hug on/kiss on, etc. I’m just sick of being the third wheel. I want to be able to join in with my friends on conversations about relationships without spouting crap I’ve learned from my Mom, or watching some tv show. I know my friends must think in the back of their mind “Heh. You don’t know s*it when it comes to that stuff”.

My mom has always told me to trust my gut. When my head tells me NO or STOP or whatever- to listen to it. But, I’ve done that SO many times in my life that I’m not sure if it’s my instincts talking, or if its my fear talking. If it’s the “Well…something COULD happen here that’d be bad, so just in case, you better not do it.” Sometimes, I want to shove a Qtip in my brain just to tell it to shut the hell up. I don’t want to get to the point to where I am wreckless, but I want to sometimes not think and just do.
God, where am I going with this. I know. Maybe since he left in November for 2 wks, and then left for 2 wks in December to go with a crap load of family back to Brazil, and since I left work, I can’t go a day without thinking about him. And I feel so stupid. I want to say I’m sorry and that I was dumb and that I do want to go out, but why should he want to with me anymore because of all the times I turned him down? I’m going to work tomarrow to pick up my $30 from a sales weasel that I bet on for the National Title football game. And, I’m planning ok when should I go that’d give me the best opportunity to talk to him? Could I possibly ask him to do something on Sunday? Sorry Dad, but I’m taking a date..basically anything where I can spend time with him over watching football with you at the moment.

I just want to spend time with him. The problem is that I still want to move. But, I want to go already knowing that it would have never worked out between the both of us because it didn’t work out between the both of us. I want to do both. My dream is for me to move to Florida and to meet him on the beach some day. Hmm…my parents would probably ask..my friends would probably ask, why are you attracted to someone who is SO different from you? Let me count the ways- First, I think our personalities are similar. We can party, but we’re quiet and spending time alone isn’t a problem. Second, he’s hot as hell, especially at our work party or when he rides his bike to work. Yeah, my ‘type’ is prolly 6’0-6’4ish 200-240ish (not what I call ‘fatass’ but meat on bones- also- I wouldn’t have to worry about outweighing him, even if I got knocked up). He doesn’t fit that ‘type’- he’s maybe 5’8”, 160-70ish. But dayum…yeah he’s hot. And that’s part of the problem- why would someone like that even like me to begin with, but that’s beside the point. Thirdly, he’s not an immature college frat boy. He doesn’t have a college degree, but is working on a program at a tech school to become a licensed motorcycle mechanic. That may not be high profile job or whatever, but that’s what he likes. And, I think being skilled with your hands and doing stuff like that is very unique and dare I say sexy. And lastly, he’s got a very large extended family, which is something that I crave to be apart of. I’m sure there’s other stuff, but I’m just not recalling at the moment. But, there’s yellow flags, too. He’s 32 and acts at least 10 yrs younger in some ways. Despite our conversations, there’s still a lot of stuff I don’t know about him. What if those stupid comments that he made at work to me, in front of other coworkers, is who he really is, and he’s just blowing smoke with me on the phone? What if I do start a relationship with him, and everything’s going fine, but yet he wants to get married and have kids or whatever right off the bat, which is something that I DO NOT want right now. I’m being paranoid because this is someone I’ve never been out with, but it’s still something that I have to think about. And the whole overlying thing is that my parents, especially my dad, is borderline racist. Hell, when I told my Mom that he’d asked me out, and told them where he was from, the first question she asked was “Well, he’s not black is he?” God, I would totally shudder at the thought of them meeting him. Look Mom, I’m hooked up with a biker who’s got two more piercings than I do (pierced ears), and is almost a decade older than me”.
Meh. That’s something about me that I wish I could change sometime- I think too much. My brain goes on overdrive. I constantly jump to the future and start going through everything that could happen.
But yeah, that’s my complicated ass decision. It’s two layer- do I want to stay here or move away. If I stay here, do I want to date him to find that out? Do I want to get to the point where I invest time into him and find out that it’d never work out and have to get up the courage to end it? And like everything else in my life, I want to keep putting it off. The moving thing- I can put that off a bit. But the relationship thing- I can’t. If I decide that I’m not having anything to do with him, then I can’t call him anymore, or plan my returns to work to get checks or whatever around talking to him, or flirt with him when I go back for inventory. That’s sending mixed messages, and I’ve already done enough of that. It’s not fair to him, or to me. So yeah, this is going to be interesting. I’m so tired right now that this will be continued later.