Oh the Madness!

Ahh...I hear music. I see images of brackets dancing in my head. (Well if it's my bracket..I see it going down in flames..as usual.) I hear CBS college basketball music. I see high seeded overrated teams going down. I see experts looking like morons. I see....upcoming March Madness!

March is my favorite month of the year for three reasons-
1. My birthday (sounds self absorbed and selfish)
2. Warm weather returns (although ironically..it's also the month that the blizzard occurred on in '93)
3. MARCH MADNESS!

There's nothing like it. The first two days of the tournament are probably my favorite two days of the year. Nothing like going blind while watching 32 games over a 2 day period. David called me last night, and we talked for a half hour just about college basketball. He pleaded with me to still be home for the tourney so we could get drunk and watch it together.

Thank God for my bro. I love my parents and all, but he makes being apart of this family tolerable.

But anywho...non basketball related..I wish I would start my period soon so I could find out how many of the 8lbs I'm up since going to Korea is PMS bloat...and how much of it is extra pudge from too much eating.

More religous hypocracy. I love it. I'm sure I probably spelled that wrong..but meh.

So we're watching the news, and they are talking about project overcoat. Basically all these people are going around and collecting coats for the homeless. With all the cold weather finally coming in, I think it's a good idea. So, the reporter is talking to a college student who is participating in it. And my Dad goes, "Well, the Christian thing to do would be for those volunteers to take a homeless person in their house for a few days."

Shit like that really annoys me. He said it again, and I said, "Well Dad, that kid's doing more for homeless people than you do..because you don't do shit." I stopped short of saying "The only thing you do is stroke a check to some random charity, and your primary motivation is the tax deduction." That may sound way too harsh, and probably is. But, I"m so sick of it. Why do my parents think that I'm so turned off by religion and church? It's because the most so called religous people in my life have been the biggest hypocrits. I started getting turned off by it in the 90's with Six Flags over Jesus's preacher Johnny Hunt. He preached about doing all this stuff for poor people, then lives in a million dollar mansion in Towne Lake and drives a Mercedes. They raise millions of dollars for some stupid amplitheatre thingie. Even my dead grandma, God rest her soul, was snooty and kind of a hypocrite. And my Dad would talk about all this Jesus stuff in church, then go and flip the same people a bird in the parking lot a half hour later. I just can't stand people who can't even take the basic 'tenants' of their religion and apply it to their own lives, because they are too busy going around telling other people how they should live theirs. I mean, I don't go to church, I say GD and f this, I talk bad about people, but I don't pretend I'm perfect. I don't get on some religious high horse on a daily basis and talk about all this stuff.

Last night, I was flipping channels. I should have been asleep...but meh. I flipped to some show I think it was on EE. Anyhow, it was about two lesbians getting married or having some kind of ceremony. Nothing else was on, so I watched it. I have to admit...it did look kind of wierd, and most of the time, I was going "Dear God, please don't show them kissing or anything like that." If I had watched this when I was in high school, I would have ranted on about how horrible it was, how against God it is, and how stuff like that is gonna bring on the end of the world or whatever. But you know what? By the end watching it, I actually felt good for them. I mean, they were so happy. And what does it do to me or my parents for them to be able to walk in a church and get married? Absolutely nothing. IMO, God can do what he wants. IMO, the meaning behind marriage comes from God anyhow. It may come with alot of benefits and stuff, but to me a marriage liscense is just a meaningless piece of paper. When it comes down to it, on a personal level, I think it's wrong. However, who am I to sit here and judge how two other consenting adults are supposed to live? It just doesn't make sense.

And on an unrelated note..if my Dad asks me any more stupid meaningless questions, I'm gonna scream. Hmm. Time for the Y. Yippee!

So this morning, I stumble into Dad's bathroom about 8am. Mom was up, so I didn't feel like using the one in the hallway. She understands, but when I still want to go back to bed, I can't talk to anyone when I get up, because it turns my brain 'on' and won't allow me to go back to sleep.

So I get out of Dad's bathroom, and see empty king size bed, and crawl into it. Ahh..that was some damn good sleep right there.

Got up at 1:30pm, which isn't great but better than 4. Still gives me enough time to wash clothes before Dad gets home and bitches about how much I've got in the washer. Mom did biatch at me for sitting down in the driveway after getting the mail. It was sunny and not too terribly cold, so I set out there and read the newspaper. Big f'in deal.

I also discovered in the buyer's edge that Macys has a savings pass for tomarrow. Which means I can use it and ask about getting extra knocked off for missing beads (which I can easily fix). Which probably means I can get the dress for around $50. Hooray!

I'm in a wierd mood right now. I think it's the music they are playing on the weather channel. But, by the time i get off my ass to find the remote, it will be over. So meh. Wierd ass weather music stays on. Mom and I actually went out today. Except for her endless bitching about not being able to find brown shoes that she likes, we actually had a good time. While she was looking at shoes at Macy's/Riches/Whatever the fuck that store is called now, I got bored and went and tried on some dresses. Now that I'm losing weight, I actually like trying on clothes now. I've still got alot of flab, but I'm liking what I see in the mirror. Anyhow, so I'm trying on dresses and I find this blue halter one that's made EXACTLY like the black one that I bought just a week ago for $7. Except, this one has a beaded band just under the chest. I knew it had potential. So I pick up a 12, 14, and 16 to take to the fitting room. The 16 falls off, the 14 still has alot of fabric left, and the 12 zipped up with no hesitation. I turned around and almost cried. I don't want to get compliments or whatever, but I seriously couldn't believe that was my body I was looking at in the mirror. It's a halter A/line that goes down to eh calves. I think it

I'm in a wierd mood right now. I think it's the music they are playing on the weather channel. But, by the time i get off my ass to find the remote, it will be over. So meh. Wierd ass weather music stays on. Mom and I actually went out today. Except for her endless bitching about not being able to find brown shoes that she likes, we actually had a good time. While she was looking at shoes at Macy's/Riches/Whatever the fuck that store is called now, I got bored and went and tried on some dresses. Now that I'm losing weight, I actually like trying on clothes now. I've still got alot of flab, but I'm liking what I see in the mirror. Anyhow, so I'm trying on dresses and I find this blue halter one that's made EXACTLY like the black one that I bought just a week ago for $7. Except, this one has a beaded band just under the chest. I knew it had potential. So I pick up a 12, 14, and 16 to take to the fitting room. The 16 falls off, the 14 still has alot of fabric left, and the 12 zipped up with no hesitation. I turned around and almost cried. I don't want to get compliments or whatever, but I seriously couldn't believe that was my body I was looking at in the mirror. It's a halter A/line that goes down to eh calves. I think it was the beads, but my waist looked small as hell. And heh..let's just say I had no problem filling out the top half of it. The problem is I don't need the dress..and I don't certainly need to be spending another $69 when I'm not working anymore. And, Mom wasn't helping by imploring me to buy it. But damnit..it looked SO good. Besides, I'll be in Vegas for 3 nights. I can wear the black dress one night and the blue dress the other...oh shut up brain! You're supposed to save me money!

That dress is just awesome. Too bad I only have Vegas right now as an opportunity to wear it. Too bad that would make an awesome date dress. Heh...I actually had a dream that I went to the Cheesecake Factory with HPCG wearing that. I bet if I did that in real life..that would be interesting.

Well..after the mall..we went to Sweet Tomatos, where I ate way too much. Let's see..I had a big salad with feta cheese, brocolli, egg, and fat free honey mustard dressing. Not bad. Then, I had two pieces of pizza bread, 4 slices of watermelon, about 1/2 c of italian sausage pasta, and two bowls of chocolate yogurt with cookie crumbles. But considering that I only had oatmeal this morning, and two containers of yogurt since that meal at 12pm, eh..not too bad.

I came home, took a 3 hr nap, then woke up in time to keep my Y streak alive! Hooray! I found two more songs on that Nickelback CD that I love so much that were tolerable, so I went for 1 hr and 10 minutes on the arc trainer. Say so long to 1100 cals. That's probably equal to what I had in that meal today, so yeah..not too shabby!

I'm tired. Maybe that means I'll be able to sleep at a decent hour. Doubt it. But, considering that I'll be doing inventory on Sunday, and it will be from 8am-Godknowswhen, I better get myself on a decent sleeping schedule pretty soon.

I'm sad though because my Y streak will end on Sunday. It's at 9 now. I'm damn proud of myself. Granted, I don't have a job or school to go to right now, so going to the Y is the only thing I'm doing. But, I've done 45mins-1hr on that machine every day, plus have thrown some swimming in there. I feel muscles in my back that I didn't know I had. Outside of those subway cookies, I haven't had any bad sweet stuff since then, and don't even miss it. I feel good. Although I need to start eating more carbs in the afternoon, because I think I'm going into ketosis or something up there. I mean, my sweat smells like vinegar and urine is tinted green, even though I drink a shit load of water. I usually just eat oatmeal and an apple before going up there, but I think I'll add a banana or a small bowl of cereal.

So, it's 2:30am and guess who's still up. Well...alot of other people. But, I guess I am too if I'm here writing. I could be lying on the time, but meh. No reason to do that. Right now, I'm watching Steven A Smith go wakka wakka wakka about the NBA. Which is totally irrevelant. I hate that sport. I used to watch the playoffs and finals, but I refuse to do that anymore. I hate that sport because it's meaningless, and because quite a few of society's problems along with alot of problems among black people would disappear if the NBA did. Long story that I don't feel like getting into at this hour, but they are a bunch of thugs. The people who follow them worship them like Gods. I can't tell you how many black boys who I thought could do so much better if they didn't have a constant fantasy of being an NBA player. I can't tell you how many times I've watched a great college player and have been kind of sad going, "Well, so long. Never gonna see you again. Hope you have fun playing in the thug league". I would change the channel, but nothing else is on. I've got access to probably 250+ channels, and there's not a damn thing that's on tv that I'm interested in watching. Sportcenter is just on for background noise. That's a crime. It's also a sign that I should go to bed.

I decided to watch Titanic a while ago. It's a 3 1/2 hr movie that I got done in 2hrs, thanks to the fast forward button. I also had a Gonzaga game that I could watch while fastforwarding long segments. I don't remember who Gonzaga played...some meaningless WCC opponent that they blew out. They are 13-7, and as long as they don't lose more than 2 more times, they should make the tourney. Even if they do, they'll still make it as long as they win the WCC tourney, which they should cuz the WCC sucks ass. It's a rebuilding year for them, so eh if they make the Sweet 16, I'll be shocked.

Why do I go off on these tangents? Heh. Oh well. So back to Titanic. I love that movie. I (well Mom) paid for us to see that movie 21 times in the theater when it came out. I've probably seen it another 20-30 times since. Even though we've got the movie on both VHS and DVD, everytime it comes on cable, both me and Mom are like "AHHHH! The movie's on!" It's coming on TNT on Saturday at 7pm, which means whatever I'm doing Saturday will be done by 7pm. It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how many times I've seen that damn movie, I pick up some minute detail or nuance that I've never realized before. I knew that would happen alot between the time that I saw it in the theater, and seeing it now. I mean, in Dec '97, I was what, 13 years old? God...that means..that movie came out 10 yrs ago. Damn, I'm getting old.

Anyhow, I figured that between then and now I'd pick up on more stuff just from being older and watching more movies. But even now, I can watch it now and Saturday. And I'm sure there's something on Saturday that I'll pick up on that I didn't realize before.

I just love that movie because it's so simple, yet so complex. No special tech effects. The love story in it is just touching enough without being cheesy. And, it's blended so well into the non-fictional characters that it looks like it belongs there. I mean, sure, the two main characters in the movie didn't exist. But, 1500 people died on that ship. I'm sure there were plenty of wives that lost husbands, girlfriends that lost boyfriends, and some people that lost people that they loved that they just met on the ship.

All the while, I keep thinking that all of that tragedy didn't have to happen if the builders weren't so g*ddamn arrogant and left out extra lifeboats. I mean sure...the boat still would have sunk. But, everyone would have had a seat in a lifeboat. But then again, it wouldn't be such a lasting story if that tragedy wasn't there. Besides, this sounds cold, but half of them probably would have died in the flu epidemic. And, almost all of the men would have died in either WWI or WWII, especially if they made it back to Europe.

Here I go sounding like a sarcastic bitch. I swear, that gets worse as I get older. I think the number 1 reason why I love that movie is because under neath all of that sarcasm and well as machoness without wanting to be male machoness, and well just wierd stuff about me...I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I think that's one of the reasons why I miss HPCG so much is because part of me thinks that "Oh God, if I wait longer, I may not meet anyone else". Which for someone of my age, not even 24, that's just...stupid. My brain knows that, but my heart doesn't.

But yeah, I remember all the guys I used to work with at work used to make cracks like "Well, you're not exactly the most feminine girl we've had here or that I know", or when I beat a sales guy (a wimp) in arm wrestling, or took another guy's money for losing a football bet with me, "Well, you're not an average girl, so I feel alright". I even think the guy that I worked with in the office initially thought I was...well played for the other team, until he got to know me better. And yeah, outwardly, I'm not very feminine sometimes. I used to throw build packs at the sales guys across the room like they were footballs. I used to be able to snake a highlighter or trashketball around a pole in our office and hit the Parts Manager in the head. I talk football with anyone who's interested, even if they aren't. I go outside in the rain. I don't wear makeup half the time. I don't spend tons of money on my hair or nails. I don't read girly magazines, rant on and on about guys, or daydream about my big fancy ass wedding. So yeah, I'm not your typical girl. I bet those people I used to work with think that I don't even own a skirt or dress, or worn one. A couple of them even said so. That's one reason why I initailly hated that place- because I couldn't dress up. Yeah, I liked and still do wearing jeans and stuff. But damnit, I haven't had the chance to really dress up in a while. A long time.

But, if I do get another chance to go out with HPCG, and it's at a nice restaurant or somewhere else that's appropriate, I'm gonna make his fricken jaw drop. And no, I'm not going to dress like a slut or anything- that sends mixed signals, which I've already done enough of already. But, I'm showing a side that he or no one else at that place saw of me. I mean, I like dressing up at home- just trying stuff on. I like putting on my new jeans with a tighter fitting shirt, and looking at the mirror, and saying, "Dayum.." And no, I don't think I'm 'hot' looking or whatever. But as much as I bash my body, I'm proud that I have curves and that my 36 D's are all natural. So I don't know where I was going with this. But meh...I need to stop typing soon anyhow.

Oh yeah. I knew something else I was going to write about. I keep waiting for a certain question from my parents. "Jennifer, why aren't there hardly any pajamas in your dirty clothes?" or "Jennifer, why don't you have some pajamas with your robe in the bathroom?" Eh, they probably figured it out by now and don't want to ask. I'm not a perv or slut, but lately, I've liked either just sleeping in my robe, or sleeping naked. I used to do it in the summer when theh ouse would be so hot, it'd be out of desperation. But now, the heat works better, and I usually have 3 blankets on my bed. Not to mention that both the teal robe I bought for myself and the robe that Bonnie got me for Christmas is just so damn soft. But also too..I keep thinking that if I get used to doing that, that maybe I'll get to the point where I"m not so bashing over how I look anymore. I do have to be careful- my nightmare is running out of my room to the bathroom after just waking up naked, or one of my parents coming in on me or whatever. But it's comfortable. I know one thing...when appropriate and not near windows..especially when I get a house...I'm gonna be one of these people that walks around their house naked half the time. I envy people that have enough "eh who cares' and I guess confidence and freedom to do that. Heh..what a new years resolution that would be.

Well, the streak is 8. Heh. I'm keeping track of this like sports records or something. Joe D got a hit in 56 straight games, and there's a whole bunch of other consecutive streaks that I can't think of right now. But my streak is days in going to the Y to work out. I got in 50 minutes on the arc bike trainer thingie, then got in another 25 laps in the pool. I now feel muscles in my back and shoulders that I didn't know existed. I did about half my laps just with my arms, on my back. I guess you could call it a butterfly, but I'm sure it didn't look anywhere close. Heh. The lifeguard that almost kicked me out of the pool for not being 18 was there again tonight. He said hello, and I said "If you're here to kick me out again, you're fired!" He laughed, then we talked for about ten minutes. It was wierd because I was the only one in the pool the whole time, and it wasn't even close to closing time yet. Not gonna complain- at least there weren't a bunch of kids running (well splashing) all over the place.

The scale is quickly becoming my friend. It's nice getting on it every other day and weighing one lb less than the last time I hopped on it. Now..I'm sure some of it's water weight or whatever. I'm not obsessed either, it just feels like a big science experiment. I also know that I'm not working or going to school at the moment, and if I was, there's no way in hell I'd be able to keep this up. On the flip side, I wouldn't really have to because I'd be burning more cals walking and stuff. Also, I wouldn't be sleeping until 3pm anymore either.

I certainly hope that none of it is muscle, because I don't wanna lose any of that. But, it's got to still be good. I mean, I'm burning about 750-1,000 cals in working out, and I've cut about 750-1,000 cals off my eating. I'm not starving myself..it's just all the junk is gone, so everything that I'm eating is good stuff. Also, you don't need that much food when you get up at 2pm. Lately, I've been eating an oatmeal pk with some apples for 'breakfast', then two containers of light yogurt during the day, then chicken (roasted) with a couple cups of veggies or a big salad. Then, I usually have some kind of snack (fruit with cool whip or something like that). Even when I stay up until 4am, it's in the house.

I also hit two milestones today that I'm pretty proud of. It's nothing to brag about or nothing to write in my other journal about, but it's important to me. Well anyhow, milestone #1 occured before I went to sleep earlier today. (I stayed up until 4am). Dad brought home oatmeal cookies from Subway. Bastard. I had one after dinner. Well..there were 1 1/2 left over. I had a huge glass of milk at 3am, and the rest of the cookies. Probably 500 extra calories or so that I didn't need. But, you know what? For the first time, I didn't fret about it. I enjoyed every damn bite. In the past, when I start eating well and slip up like that, I go crazy the rest of the day, then start eating horrible again because "well, it doesn't matter- i blew it already". Now, my brain just said "Eh. Oh well. Just do another 30-45 minutes at the Y tomarrow". Heh..I am counting it in my calorie total for today though.

Milestone #2 occured when I went to Kohls before the Y. There's a cami that I wanted to get to go with my black dress. I need it because the back of my bra shows. Kohls put them on sale, and I have a store credit to use. So, I'm trying them on. They are just basic black stretchy tank tops with a 'shelf bra' that my boobs just said "Hah! You can't contain me!" but that's beside the point. The dress covers up every part of the bra except the back, so I can still wear my bra (and will) with the cami. So anyhow, I'm in the fitting room and I can't decide if I should get the L or XL. They are pretty fitted, and I didn't want a bunch of loose fabric under my dress. And for the first time in forever, my brain goes "You better get the L, because when you lose more weight, that XL is going to get big".

That's NEVER happened to me. For a long time, my head has done the opposite "Oh. You better get one with some room in it so when you get fatter it'll still fit". I think that's when it finally hit me- I may not have the confidence or faith in myself when it comes to looking for a job, or whatever, but damnit, I'm not going to be the fat girl anymore. I know eventually, I'm not going to be able to lose a lb every other day. One of these days, I'll get to the point where I won't be able to lose any more at all. And whether that comes a wk from now when I'm still a 12, or when I"m a 10 or whatever, that's ok. But, I'm not going to be the young person who has to spend 10 minutes in the bathroom recovering from walking up two flights of stairs. And I'm not doing this for my family, friends, or so some guy will like me more. I'm doing it for me. And when I lose 10 more lbs or 20 or whatever, no one will be able to take that away from me.

I do know one thing though, I'm getting my hair cut before I go to work for inventory. It's not that I'm doing this for anyone there either. It's not going to bother me if no one even notices. But at this rate, I'm gonna have about 10 lbs gone this month, and would like to go in there looking a little bit different.

I have the life of a 40 yr old. Heh. So, I'm sitting here on a Saturday night watching Deep Impact. No..it's not a porn movie...it's an asteroid movie that came out about 10 yrs ago. Of course Mom likes it because it's a disaster movie. Work actually pissed me off today. I was going to go down there to pick up my last check and say hello. Well..Dad checks the mail, and lo and behold..there's my check. Why do they have to be efficient at the one time I don't want them to be? Gahh... Despite the fact that I got up at 2:30 again...I still got over to the Y for 40 minutes. That's 6 days in a row. And unless there's plans tomarrow with anybody, which doesn't look like a possibility at the moment, I'm not breaking that streak. I'm gonna do my damnest to get up at a decent time tomarrow. Especially because Dad's going to be at work. That sounds so harsh..but God he's so damn annoying. Hmm....maybe I'll be left alone long enough to make a couple of phone calls. Dad wants me really bad to stay home and watch the Colts/Patriots game with him at 4:30pm or whenever it comes on. Meh. That won't be bad, but I'm not going to put that at a priority of something comes up. I would so love to go to a wild sports bar and watch football tomarrow. That would be awesome. I would also so love to call HPCG tomarrow..just to talk for a couple of hours. Hmm...oh well. Blogger, why do you have to be annoying and not let me hit enter to seperate paragraphs? Gahh... Anywho..I also got my two piece bathing suit in the mail. And...it actually looks halfway decent. It's a 14, and it's got room to spare in it. I am glad that mom threw my other swimsuit in the dryer though, because it caused it to shrink. Which, is what it needed. I can at least get some more milage out of it until I leave on my trip.

So today was a little bit productive. I got to go to an auditing convention and career fair at KSU. Hooray for my student ID. Anywho, it was nice to spend some time with my former classmates. I've figured out over these past couple of weeks that becoming anti social and distant is a choice. It's not me. I just really enjoyed the interaction with them again. And, the speakers at the convention weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. It's nice to see people in accounting who have a personality and can laugh. Of course, some of the career fair people blew me off, but that happens to everyone. I still get mad about how everyone gets pushed into Big 4. It's appealing, but not what i want to do at all. At least I wasn't nervous today like I usually am when talking to those people. Although I do see the one downside of losing weight- I need a new black suit. I don't know what they are doing with women's clothes nowadays, but they are cutting them big or something. I bought a 3 piece suit back in September for the Career Fair. The jacket is a 12, and the skirt is a 12, and the pants are a 14. I've got at least 3 inches in the waist. The pants are unwearable. The jacket has at least 3 inches that I could cinch it in the waist. So mom and dad want to know what to get me for my birthday? How about a nice black suit and some nice dress shoes that don't hurt like ass.

I think I'm going to Motions tomarrow to pick up my check. Really no reason to, because more than likely I will get there after the banks have already closed. So, it'll essentially be the same as going Monday. And, it's not like I need need the money in there right now anyhow. But, it'll give me another reason to get me out of the house. And..hopefully, I'll get to talk to HPCG. This is silly. I've never been out on a date with this guy, but I've never missed someone as much as him in my entire life. Almost everyday at 7pm, unless I'm doing something, I tinker with my phone wondering if I should call him or not. I've already ranted about this, but that's why I've got to decide about where I'm living at. Because this calling and talking thing is not going to be pretty if I decide to pack up and leave. Yeah, I could just call as friends, but it's not like that. I feel so bad about the way I treated him (backing out of dates at the last minute....even though I eventually told him that I'm moving) and all of that. I think it's one of those things that if I picked up the phone and called him, I wouldn't stop talking for 4 hours. I've run out of small talk crap to blabber about. I've never told him how I feel about him, and don't want to until this job thing gets straightened out. Bleh...so yeah. Hopefully he'll be there tomarrow. I think I'll show up around 5:30.